The hunt was on for a new body for Mimir. Julie Girl had a mission and we weren't getting any work done until she was done. Please note.. she was very thorough in her search and we were able to purchase a fantastic new stuffed turtle that fit all the requirements set by the very determined five year old.
We have had a high switching level over the past several weeks, but today was a balance and we were finally able to get focused on work towards the later part of the day. Fortunately, we do most of our work from our house, so it doesn't matter what time we start. Jewel has been in and out all day and is in a very quiet and peaceful place. This is good for all of us and helps to keep the levels of anxiety down.
Julie has had a blast working on the new films the production companies she is working for are putting together. Every moment is a learning experience right now and she is in heaven. It is fascinating to watch her work. She really does think of everything in this amazing way. She looks at each part of the project as a puzzle piece and she is trying to figure out what each piece is. Initially, she doesn't even try to figure out where it goes, she is just looking for similarities. Once she has a good understanding of what is before her, the pieces seem to jump up and the picture takes shape in chunks. She has such an amazing sense of place and order and she loves to create systems that work.
We have a couple of alters who seem to be in hiding but we are just letting them be. With the divorce and everything else happening, it's alright to just be sometimes. There is an interesting determination of spirit that has set in. Jewel refuses to allow anyone in the system to act unkindly or in any way that would be felt inappropriate. We are finding it is bringing us a sense of calm to know we are acting in a manner that is honorable and honest. We just hope our actions are understood by the people around us. It would be easy to act the fool. We are making the choice to act the lady.
We go forward...laughing and giggling through the tears sometimes
May 1, 2012
Feb 16, 2012
Freak out
Today is the day we started to freak out about being in a focus group on sexual trauma. We have to give a brief talk next week about one of the incidents that happened in my life. The entire system is in a panic. We are taking this one moment at a time but it is incredibly hard.
Julie girl and JJ have been out several times and Serenity keeps being pushed out because we lose the ability to verbalize from the anxiety attacks.
We have been making lists again to keep track of what we are doing during the day. It gives us a feeling of having a small bit of control. I am tired though and the world keeps going. I applied for Social Security this week. It is frightening and sad to be there. My skin is crawling I have to go.
Julie girl and JJ have been out several times and Serenity keeps being pushed out because we lose the ability to verbalize from the anxiety attacks.
We have been making lists again to keep track of what we are doing during the day. It gives us a feeling of having a small bit of control. I am tired though and the world keeps going. I applied for Social Security this week. It is frightening and sad to be there. My skin is crawling I have to go.
Feb 6, 2012
Fast switching but a good day
We had an ongoing switch today. It made for having conversation a bit challenging to say the least. We began with Julie Girl talking to David about some nails he was using and how she didn't think they would work and end with George talking to him about different types of staples to use for a project. The switching has been fast and intense to say the least.
Emma shut us down this afternoon after we spent the morning helping a friend work on her resume. She hit the off button and we were down for a couple of hours. I wish we could say it was sleep but it is more like a nothingness, where there are not dreams and no memories, where we wake up more exhausted than before we slept.
We did have an amazingly productive evening though. Laura was able to get the shoes and boots organized into plastic storage drawers, which will protect them and make the shoes easier to get to. This is a big plus in our world. She also got her hands on a great straw broom and was able to really get the floors swept clean. She is a very happy girl and she has empty plastic storage boxes to use on another project. Bonus for her!
We are purchasing a new frog for Julie Girl and JJ's fish tank tomorrow. They take amazing care of their tank and it is something they take great joy in. We just have to keep them from putting to many fish into the tank.
It has been a pretty good day.
Emma shut us down this afternoon after we spent the morning helping a friend work on her resume. She hit the off button and we were down for a couple of hours. I wish we could say it was sleep but it is more like a nothingness, where there are not dreams and no memories, where we wake up more exhausted than before we slept.
We did have an amazingly productive evening though. Laura was able to get the shoes and boots organized into plastic storage drawers, which will protect them and make the shoes easier to get to. This is a big plus in our world. She also got her hands on a great straw broom and was able to really get the floors swept clean. She is a very happy girl and she has empty plastic storage boxes to use on another project. Bonus for her!
We are purchasing a new frog for Julie Girl and JJ's fish tank tomorrow. They take amazing care of their tank and it is something they take great joy in. We just have to keep them from putting to many fish into the tank.
It has been a pretty good day.
Feb 5, 2012
Sick should not be interesting
When one is sick it sucks, when the committee is sick, life gets interesting. I have had the creepy crude for days. All the famous flu symptoms of which I will not regale you. As a general rule when the body is injured or in pain, it is Jewel's job to handle it. When the body is sick, it often gets rotated through a number of the committee members. The other day Julie Girl completely lost her cool. As in full on temper tantrum and crying fit because she hurt so much. I'm sure all of you have seen a sick child just lose it because they can not express what is happening in words and they just want to crawl into daddy's lap. Now picture that same crying fit happening with all that frustrated little girl pain in the body of a 41 year old woman. It is not a pretty sight and there is no consoling the child because we can't pull her back inside. She wants her daddy to fix it and that is just all there is to it!
Now as we slowly recover, all of the little's are sleeping most of the time and we are exhausted. I wish we could keep this from them but our system doesn't work that way. So tonight the body is exhausted, our throat hurts and we are fighting the overwhelming desire to just cry as we fight the pain in our back. Julie Girl and Jewel worked on a design for stuffed dragons tonight and Charlie is figuring it out in crochet. We will see what they come up with but for now we are going to bed.
Remember, memories can not own you but sometimes they will define who you are, if you let them.
Now as we slowly recover, all of the little's are sleeping most of the time and we are exhausted. I wish we could keep this from them but our system doesn't work that way. So tonight the body is exhausted, our throat hurts and we are fighting the overwhelming desire to just cry as we fight the pain in our back. Julie Girl and Jewel worked on a design for stuffed dragons tonight and Charlie is figuring it out in crochet. We will see what they come up with but for now we are going to bed.
Remember, memories can not own you but sometimes they will define who you are, if you let them.
Every day is a training day!
I may be service dog free before we get through this stage. My beloved service dog in training seems to have lost his mind. Alright let's be fair, he is still very young but I'm telling you if he growls at one more baby he's lunch meat. We seem to have reached a stage of development in which said beloved dog freaks out if anyone startles him or if they leave the room and come back. David came in with a baseball cap on the other day and you would have thought Hitler had walked into the room by Shermans' reaction! We are training through it but I am thinking about getting a muzzle for him until we are through it. I will not take the chance of him fear biting anyone. Other than that it has been a good day.
Sherman has spent most of the day laying up against me in one form or other. Today has been an incredibly high pain level day and I was using both crutches to drag my tail around. He was even nervous about them, which is just weird because I have had then since before I adopted him. Crazy dog. The pressure of him laying against my legs helps with the pain for a short while until I have to move again.
He received his thorough brushing and had to eye ball the brush as though it were a snake. He is all shiny and pretty for the week. I am going to start using a toothbrush on his toe nails to get the mud out in the evenings. It has been raining for days and I hate him to have muddy feet in my bed. The kids get 95% of the mud off when they wash his feet before he comes in but the other 5% ends up in my bed. I swear I could plant a garden with the amount of dirt I sweep up every day.
I have been doing research on OTSD supported programs for helping veterans with PTSD and other injury's to get dogs. There is an amazing program called Paws and Stripes in New Mexico but not one similar here in San Antonio. I am going to contact the local Wounded Warrior Program and see what programs they are affiliated with. I don't believe in reinventing the wheel if there isn't a need. If the need is here though I want to be a part of filling it. Service dogs make such a huge impact on lives, especially soldiers coming home from war zones. I believe there is also a need for dogs to support survivors of Military Sexual Trauma. I won't get on my soap box about that today though.
Live on purpose, say thank you to a soldier or vet and hug your dog.
Sherman has spent most of the day laying up against me in one form or other. Today has been an incredibly high pain level day and I was using both crutches to drag my tail around. He was even nervous about them, which is just weird because I have had then since before I adopted him. Crazy dog. The pressure of him laying against my legs helps with the pain for a short while until I have to move again.
He received his thorough brushing and had to eye ball the brush as though it were a snake. He is all shiny and pretty for the week. I am going to start using a toothbrush on his toe nails to get the mud out in the evenings. It has been raining for days and I hate him to have muddy feet in my bed. The kids get 95% of the mud off when they wash his feet before he comes in but the other 5% ends up in my bed. I swear I could plant a garden with the amount of dirt I sweep up every day.
I have been doing research on OTSD supported programs for helping veterans with PTSD and other injury's to get dogs. There is an amazing program called Paws and Stripes in New Mexico but not one similar here in San Antonio. I am going to contact the local Wounded Warrior Program and see what programs they are affiliated with. I don't believe in reinventing the wheel if there isn't a need. If the need is here though I want to be a part of filling it. Service dogs make such a huge impact on lives, especially soldiers coming home from war zones. I believe there is also a need for dogs to support survivors of Military Sexual Trauma. I won't get on my soap box about that today though.
Live on purpose, say thank you to a soldier or vet and hug your dog.
Officially not insane
Officially not insane! I am crazy, as my kids love to tell people. I believe everyone is a bit crazy. They have their own flavor of it though. I do not have a sign around my neck telling people I am multiple. If you don't know me intimately, you may know me for years and never find out. The brain is an amazing organ and it is very creative when it comes to self-preservation. DID is developed when the mind and/or body are so traumatized that the mind can not handle the ramifications of fear/stress/pain and it creates another entity to hold those ramifications separate from the rest of the mind. It is said in some research that the average age for the beginnings of DID is usually around age five or six, although it is not unheard of for it to begin at a younger age. Once the mind develops a coping mechanism of this extreme to handle trauma, it becomes easier for the mind to repeat the process.
In my case we know of the members of the committee and that there are others who have been "snapshots" of events or times in which the actual memories of an event are captured. They can sit dormant for years until something "triggers" them awake. It is like living in a mine field at times, never knowing when the next step is going to blow up in your face. These alters frequently do not remain and once their trauma is emotionally dealt with. I have been told it is like getting to know me at different ages and how I interacted and viewed the world. It seems to be the only perk to helping me through the times of being triggered.
I was in therapy for quite awhile before I was diagnosed. I can remember when my therapist explained it to me. She asked me if I wanted to know what the diagnosis was and I said. "Sure." She then explained to me I had PTSD with DID, acute anxiety, and major depression. I made note of the information and it was locked away. I could tell people what it was but it had no meaning or understanding to me. I wasn't ready to comprehend what I had been told. It was a year later before I began to grasp what exactly I had been told. I can still remember taking my friend in to therapy with me after she started asking me questions and I had sudden understanding. I felt as though I had come across some huge discovery. My therapist was not surprised by my discovery. (after all she was the one who had diagnosed me) She had expected it to take much longer for me to understand but handled the change well.
It was soon after that my alters started presenting themselves and my world went flying into the stars it seemed.
In my case we know of the members of the committee and that there are others who have been "snapshots" of events or times in which the actual memories of an event are captured. They can sit dormant for years until something "triggers" them awake. It is like living in a mine field at times, never knowing when the next step is going to blow up in your face. These alters frequently do not remain and once their trauma is emotionally dealt with. I have been told it is like getting to know me at different ages and how I interacted and viewed the world. It seems to be the only perk to helping me through the times of being triggered.
I was in therapy for quite awhile before I was diagnosed. I can remember when my therapist explained it to me. She asked me if I wanted to know what the diagnosis was and I said. "Sure." She then explained to me I had PTSD with DID, acute anxiety, and major depression. I made note of the information and it was locked away. I could tell people what it was but it had no meaning or understanding to me. I wasn't ready to comprehend what I had been told. It was a year later before I began to grasp what exactly I had been told. I can still remember taking my friend in to therapy with me after she started asking me questions and I had sudden understanding. I felt as though I had come across some huge discovery. My therapist was not surprised by my discovery. (after all she was the one who had diagnosed me) She had expected it to take much longer for me to understand but handled the change well.
It was soon after that my alters started presenting themselves and my world went flying into the stars it seemed.
Feb 4, 2012
Let us Begin
There is always a beginning for such things as we will attempt to share. Today is our beginning for being completely open with the world. We often write in plural because it is of how we function in every moment of the day. For those who do not know Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is the same thing as multiple personality disorder (MPD). The designations make the doctors happy, however they have little affect on us as a whole. We were "officially" diagnosed with DID about seven years ago. The learning process from that time has had it's definite ups and downs. We will go into detail later about the scientific understanding of what is believed to cause DID and how it works.
Today let us begin with introductions. Our name is Friday Zoe Lowrey and we created this name with deliberate purpose. It means Peaceful Joyous Victory. That Lowrey happens to be my maiden name is part of the plan. We are in the process of the legal change to Friday. The reason behind creating an entire new name is complex and simple. As a "multiple" our given name belongs to one of the alters. It became very confusing and frustrating to have each of our alters called by a name when there may be more than one alter presenting at a time. Thus instead of forcing a choice of who is "fronting", we created an entire new name for the committee's body.
The committee consists of many alters/people. Some of them are more prominent in the functioning of the day to day activities than others. Each member of the committee as we call ourselves has a specific job to do in maintaining our world. Let us introduce ourselves with a simple job title for now. We will go into specifics for each of us later.
Georgia - our protector - adult female
Charlie - order keeper/ proper behavior monitor - adult female
Julie - scholar, teacher, organizer - adult female
Jewel - artist, teacher, care giver - adult female
Rachel - man eater, sex pot, controller - young adult female
Tara - memory keeper - mermaid, ageless
Frantic - high emotion keeper, autistic - teen female
Serenity - record keeper, endurer, mute - adult female
Emma - translator - ageless - ethereal
Fury - rage, hurt and anger keeper - fire spirit, female
Laura - organizer, OCD - 12 year old female
Iggy - care giver, reader - 10 year old female
Julie Girl - story teller, tattle tale, truth speaker - 5 year old female
JJ - blame taker - 3 year old female
Punkin - she's just hunger - 18 months - 2 year old female
Bjorna - sentient bear, protector, spirit guide - female ageless
Cinder - garden keeper, harm taker - young adult female
Gerry - punisher - old woman turned into turtle
I think that is all of us. I will increase the list if anyone was forgotten. I am looking forward to sharing my story.
Until next time.. Live with purpose.
Today let us begin with introductions. Our name is Friday Zoe Lowrey and we created this name with deliberate purpose. It means Peaceful Joyous Victory. That Lowrey happens to be my maiden name is part of the plan. We are in the process of the legal change to Friday. The reason behind creating an entire new name is complex and simple. As a "multiple" our given name belongs to one of the alters. It became very confusing and frustrating to have each of our alters called by a name when there may be more than one alter presenting at a time. Thus instead of forcing a choice of who is "fronting", we created an entire new name for the committee's body.
The committee consists of many alters/people. Some of them are more prominent in the functioning of the day to day activities than others. Each member of the committee as we call ourselves has a specific job to do in maintaining our world. Let us introduce ourselves with a simple job title for now. We will go into specifics for each of us later.
Georgia - our protector - adult female
Charlie - order keeper/ proper behavior monitor - adult female
Julie - scholar, teacher, organizer - adult female
Jewel - artist, teacher, care giver - adult female
Rachel - man eater, sex pot, controller - young adult female
Tara - memory keeper - mermaid, ageless
Frantic - high emotion keeper, autistic - teen female
Serenity - record keeper, endurer, mute - adult female
Emma - translator - ageless - ethereal
Fury - rage, hurt and anger keeper - fire spirit, female
Laura - organizer, OCD - 12 year old female
Iggy - care giver, reader - 10 year old female
Julie Girl - story teller, tattle tale, truth speaker - 5 year old female
JJ - blame taker - 3 year old female
Punkin - she's just hunger - 18 months - 2 year old female
Bjorna - sentient bear, protector, spirit guide - female ageless
Cinder - garden keeper, harm taker - young adult female
Gerry - punisher - old woman turned into turtle
I think that is all of us. I will increase the list if anyone was forgotten. I am looking forward to sharing my story.
Until next time.. Live with purpose.
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